I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”