[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies