if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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Plumber: I think I found the problem
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?