What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
You Might Also Like
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”