ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
So that’s what we looked like?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?