If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
he was correct
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –