Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Good news
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.