“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You Might Also Like
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all