My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
just pretend nothing happened
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Jurassic park gets weird
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.