When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.