mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
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I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?