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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.