My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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23. the denim jacket
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.