Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Sorry. Not sorry
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣