I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
So glad we cleared that up
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
who did the taste test?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”