First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Just how popey was the pope today?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.