[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same