i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
They’re not wrong
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless