I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
when you order from DoorDastardly
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu