“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
The photographer’s assistant
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.