“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?