Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.