*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again