The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
#titanic
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.