If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
i hope my email finds you on fire
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much