Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Hit me in the face with a bird
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.