Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.