Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Not today.. 😂
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums