WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…