Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Smooooooth