FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?