me doing my best
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend