4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.