Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Not messing around
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.