Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?