“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
motivation
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me