figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.