Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
for all #parents out there
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.