*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
You Might Also Like
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
all bases covered
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’