The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.