When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.