I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
You Might Also Like
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars