Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
🤣✨#caturday
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Favourite diary entry ever
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”