Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Who’s drunk
*raises leg