I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
You Might Also Like
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.