Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
live, laugh, laundry.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
#Caturday
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’