I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The Weeknd is back
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma