I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Oh, I bet you would be
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.