Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus