Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Cool shirt 🙂
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
me and my fake scenarios
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.